Fruity Bachelor

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Shocking, I know

2009-12-15T20:59:00.001-08:00

It turns out British people get upset when you drunkenly argue that the US would have been fine if they had stayed neutral in WWII.

Why must I be so fucking awkward? And who is this jackass that invented alcohol?

Let's just say that my first date in almost six months went badly. Very badly. I'm going to try and learn from it.

Where is the nearest grocery store?

2009-11-02T21:24:00.000-08:00

A man stopped me as I walked past on Brannan during my lunch break. He wanted to know where the nearest grocery store is. After directing him to the Safeway 3 blocks away, he proceeded to wax poetic about what a wasteland SOMA is. Apparently he just wanted to buy some wine to help him get through jury duty.

Best excuse for being late for work.. ever

2009-10-21T20:49:00.001-07:00

I was running a few minutes late for my 9am meeting this morning. Thankfully a woman boarded the 19 with two live rats in the hood of her jacket. The pictures made for a nice cover story why I was 5 minutes late.

My photography leaves quite a bit to be desired, so just look at the brown smudge behind her neck. Trust me, it's a live uncaged rat.

Steakhouse or Gay Bar?

2009-10-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

Aaron sent me to the website SteakhouseOrGayBar.com. The premise is simple. They present a business name. You are guess whether it's a steakhouse or a gay bar. It's a fun little distraction.

The sad commentary on my 31 years of gay manhood is that I had only heard of the steakhouses...

Patiently Awaiting Gentrification

2009-10-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

I moved into a one bedroom apartment on Tuesday. I was okay with cheaping out on a studio when I first moved to San Francisco. Luckily, rents have been coming down with the Great Recession, so now I can justify springing for an apartment without my bed in the freaking living room.

I had been considering moving out of the Tenderloin, but I really like it. Restaurants are cheap and plentiful. Muni is super close and convenient. And it's cheap!

Hairiel

2009-09-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I took our friend Brendan out for his birthday. The only dance night really going on was Booty Call at Q. I had never been, but heard it was fun.

Boy was it! Juanita More really puts quite some effort into the themes. I was expecting just boys and butt shaking. Instead I got an "Under the Sea" fantasia with a portrait of my Squirrel and me with Hairiel, Ursula and Sebastian!

Image shamelessly stolen from Juanita's website

Whitney Houston Sighting

2009-08-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Tell me this wasn't Whitney Houston (before the comeback)! She was a "BOBBY!!" shriek away from a dead ringer.

Seriously, her makeup looked professionally applied, if a little too glittery for 3pm. If she wasn't so wasted and her top wasn't so stained with spilled liquids, I really would have thought it was the Diva Herself. God I hope those stains were just her drinks...

"Whitney" fell asleep long enough for me to snap her photo. She woke up soon after to root around in one of her bags for another Cobra Malt Liquor (which she drank through a straw, because as you can see, she is a LADY).

I can snap photos and poke fun because the FSM knows I've been that drunk lady on the bus a time or thousand.

Re-caging the Squirrell

2009-08-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I are back together. He's been out to visit me in SF three times. And every time I see him, I remember exactly why I fell in love with him.

I went to Michigan for 10 days to visit in the first half of August. It was nice to visit some friends and family. However, the visit really was all about seeing Aaron. Now that I'm back home, I miss him terribly.

I'm aware getting back with your ex rarely works. And I'm also aware SF brings out the sluttier side of people. Hell, I'm pretty much the poster child for this. I figure worst case scenario is he moves out here and decides he wants to try being single - in which case I have one of my favorite people ever living here in SF.

Lazy Bear

2009-08-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Of all the events and goings on in the Bay Area, Lazy Bear is by far my favorite. It's like a gay body image retreat. People naturally focus on the positive things everyone has going for them instead of expecting everyone to be an underwear model.

This year I camped, which I haven't done in years. I'm not outdoorsy, but it was our best option. Our other options were outside of walking distance. I'd rather poop in a hole and take semi cold showers than have to stay driving distance away. When I got home this morning, I spent several hours just enjoying having indoor plumbing and electricity again.

I have to say though, as much as I dislike roughing it, camping is kind of fun when it's pretty much exclusively gay. I think the closeness of all the straight people always made me uncomfortable whenever I camped before.

Dore Alley Pictures

2009-07-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the annual "Up Your Alley" street fair. They have forced the festival to tone things down, so it was a lot tamer this year. Although it may just be that I'm totally dead to any display of public nudity and/or sex after living in San Francisco for two years. Of course I took a few pictures.

Furries

I really wasn't sure if they were "fur real", or if they just had the rubber fox suit left over from an adult Mozilla event. Wherever it came from, it was impressive piece of work. The blue fluffy dog boyfriend was a nice touch accessory. I saw quite a few of the puppy play people around as well. I'm still not sure what is sexy about your boyfriend pretending to sniff other peoples' butts.

Assless Rubber Wrestling Singlet

I was a bit baffled by the boots, but all in all, this was a pretty all encompassing 4-in-1 fetish outfit. I imagine the shopping list the day he found this was something like:
* Inappropriate body parts exposed? Check!
* Sports? Check!
* Rubber? Check!
* Boots? Check!

The Eagle

I dropped by the Eagle after walking through the fair. Other than seeing some guy in a jock strap get eaten out, it was less wild than a normal Sunday beer bust.

Truck

This dude was a lot hotter in person - until he opened his mouth. He was a nelly mean drunk. Overall, Truck was the funnest place we stopped during Dore.

Bacon and Onion Croissants

2009-07-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I discovered the amazing french bakery near work made BACON ONION CROISSANTS!!! I can never eat enough pork! After watching me eat this monster, my coworker Matt wanted to go get one. I almost had to get another! Luckily my conscience won out and I waited - till this morning to get another one.

Tonight's dinner is nothing near as mouth wateringly porkilicious. I wandered down to the nearest liquor store and picked up some Ritz crackers to eat with a frozen fish stew. I swear Trader Joes is the patron saint of starving kitchen-retarded bachelors like myself.

Something is Very Wrong With Me

2009-07-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

I like my life better than being on vacation.

Sunbathing and swimming is nice - and something I can't readily do at home. Travel is a fun experience. In a lot of ways, I'd still rather stay home than travel.

Mimes That Sing and Dance

2009-07-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, I had the same reaction. I don't know why they call themselves a mime troupe if they sing, dance and generally avoid berets. I've spent near to a full minute scouring the internet for an explanation. None has been forthcoming.

Anywho, I spent Sunday afternoon watching the San Francisco Mime Troupe perform "Too Big To Fail" at Dolores Park. They are playing all around the state for the next couple months. Most of their performances are in the Bay Area. I highly recommend the show for a pleasant summer afternoon.

There were lots of aging hippies and families with small children. It was like a leftist indoctrination session similar to the puppet shows I was subjected to as a child. Except the mimes taught social consciousness and the puppet shows taught you how to be "slain in the spirit".

Photo: Courtesy of the SFMT press room photos page
Photographer: David Allen
Foreground: Michael Gene Sullivan
Background, left to right: BW Gonzalez, Ed Holmes, Lisa Hori-Garcia, Velina Brown, Adrian Mejia

Relationship Advice from 1939

2009-07-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I were out watching "The Women" at the Castro Theatre yesterday afternoon. Besides being a catty/bitchy/campy masterpiece, the movie's moral is the basic premise behind open gay relationships.

Your man wants some strange from time to time. Deal with it or suffer a string of relationships that fail when your husband has an affair (or leaves you to have some new strange). He still loves you. The floozey doesn't mean anything to him.

Gay men have become very good at this concept. Many couples are able to be honest with each other about their feelings, set rules, follow them, and keep the one relationship they cherish. I used to be very closed to the concept of any openness in a relationship, until I saw how well it can work with my friends marriages.

Today's Mailbag

2009-06-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today's mail was full of a new batch of Netflix movies. Two physics documentaries and a musical. Hawt.

It pretty well rounds out my random day. Work was stressful, which is a rarity for me. Then on the way home, some hot police officers jumped on the bus. I rode three blocks past my stop trying to figure out what was up. After I gave up and started backtracking home, I saw a crack whore wearing a Strong Bad hoodie.

I may have to go out tonight to see if the oddity continues.

In Other News: NAMBLA receives huge endowment from Mystery Donor's estate

2009-06-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so coining the term "Underage Commonlaw Husband". The forthcoming saga over the disposition of Michael Jackson's estate is sure to be more interesting than the last 20 years of his career!

Unicorns and Retail

2009-06-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

Finally, a story that involves a drunken Sunday beer bust that WASN'T at the Eagle!

After band practice, I met up with Jeff and Todd for the softball beer bust at the Pilsner Inn. The crowd was quiet and mellow. Near the end, Jeff spotted a guy he was interested in. I was in drunk wingman mode, so of course I wandered over and drug him back to our group. The standard 20 questions game ensued.

ME: What's your name? Damon, he is now introduced to the group
ME: That's an interesting tattoo sticking out on your forearm. It looks fresh what is it? Yes it's fresh, it's a huge unicorn. Wow. FYI, not the one pictured, I just stole that from the internets. His was seriously, a large unicorn encompassing his whole forearm.
DAMON: So what do you guys do for a living? He works at the shaving store at the mall.

It went on, but let's just say he lost us at Unicorns and Retail. Which, according to the backstory I made up in my head for him, was his point. He seemed to be a unique guy who was very content with himself. A lot of people (OKAY ME) can be superficial about peoples careers. Why not filter those folks out immediately?

We excused ourselves to head to dinner leaving our friend Jimmy as the sacrificial lamb.

Random Bus Sighting

2009-06-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

This lady was wielding a ski pole like it was a blind woman's cane. I'm not sure if she was really blind and just having a rough day, or trying to fake being blind.

Company Stock

2009-06-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

In a flurry of coincidence, my company's stock came up twice today.

After strolling into the office at 10am, my boss came over and asked if he could "grab me for a minute". He took me into a conference room with a stack of papers, which I could see looked HR-y and was addressed to me.

FUCK! I really am a shit employee sometimes. There are a ton of different things I could be punished for! Or maybe it is about what I'd need to do to work remotely on a permanent basis.

Luckily, he just wanted to notify me I was getting a stock grant for my excellent performance. Laziness continues!

At lunch with my coworkers Matt, Matt and Joel, the topic of initial stock grants came up. My employer gives all new employees stock grants that vest over time. I always assumed everyone got about the same amount.

Apparently not.

For some reason, my grant was triple the Matts' stock grants. And poor Joel, who works in a nearby department, got a quarter of what I received. I did not mention how much mine was. Or that they gave me another stock grant today that was one and a half times their initial grants as well.

I hope it's just a fluke of managers having a certain amount of stock grants to hand out to new employees at different times.

Weekend at Guerneville

2009-05-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

My friends Jon and Little Rob rented a house in Guerneville for the summer. Jon and I went up there Friday and Saturday. Most of Saturday was spent poolside sipping bloody marys and ogling the hot cocktail waiter.

Carlos Alzraqui

2009-04-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I went to the "Comics 4 Comix" fundraiser tonight. The show headlined Carlos Alzraqui, who is a stunning little silver fox. It was a small show, so Carlos was out mingling the whole time (very cool).

I rarely smoke pot, but hey, it's a comedy show right? By the time it actually started, I was too stoned to consider standing for an hour to watch it. And I had the munchies that only mini-corndogs from the new neighborhood Quickly could tame. The new place doesn't make food yet (RATS). I left and settled for raiding the local liquor store for Almond Joys and vinegar Popchips.

Easter

2009-04-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

Mike, Jeff and I spent Sunday at the annual Easter event that the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence put on at Dolores Park. We consumed copious amounts of beer, banh mi and kettle corn while watching the Hunky Jesus and Easter Bonnet contests. Most of the time was actually spent ogling at our fellow celebrants, but I digress.

WANT

2009-04-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've been single for almost two years now. I think it's time to settle into being an old cat lady. This isn't my cat. I stole the picture from the Wikipedia entry for "Scottish Fold". But ideally, she'd be this precious. Also, Fluffy in the picture is named "Betty Ford" which is just too cute!

World's Worst Employee Gets Raise, Promotion

2009-03-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

I freely admit I'm a crappy employee. I don't work 8 hours a day. Hell, I rarely work 6. But I am extremely efficient and creative which makes me valuable.

This last year was a bit rough at work. I was alone in my department doing the workload of three people. I try not to complain or make excuses. Instead I just ignore the work I find boring. Even with everything going on, I was able to do some really neat stuff that made our clients extremely happy.

My annual review was Friday. I almost cried. My boss was very appreciative of my work and how I handled the challenges of last year. The end result was a nice raise and a title promotion.